DATING
Dating Someone With the Same Health Condition
Kissing
Sex
Tips
Approaches To Dating
How to approach dating is as individual as each of us are.
It is not unusual for people to resist bringing up a health condition on the first few dates because of a concern that the health condition will define them. However, the sooner you disclose your situation, the sooner you rid yourself of the stress of wondering what will happen when you bring it up – and you will have to bring it up one day. If it turns out to be a deal breaker, better to know sooner rather than later.
There is no reason to feel as if you are a lesser person – so no need to defend yourself or your situation.
One approach to disclosing your health condition is to normalize both it and the need to eat gluten-free through the following approach:
Have a first meeting in a place that does not involve food. For example, go to a concert or other live performance, go to a museum, or for a walk in nature. Think ahead about nearby restaurants where you can feel safe in case the two of you decide to eat afterward.
If the first date will involve a meal: in your online dating description of yourself, or when discussing a restaurant, mention that you have a food restriction. For example: I have a food restriction. Is it okay if I choose the restaurant?
At the restaurant, do not be hesitant to advocate for yourself. Tell the server you need to eat gluten-free because of a health condition. Ask the questions you would ask if you were with friends. In case you need a reminder about the questions, click here.
When with your date, don’t feel the need to make your health condition a focal point. You can share as much or as little as you would like. At the same time, keep in mind that a lot of people don’t know what celiac disease or gluten intolerance are. Consider just saying something as simple as “I have celiac disease and I have to eat gluten-free.” These days, most people have heard of “gluten-free” even if they haven’t heard about the medical condition. Mentioning gluten-free frequently rings a bell and makes it easier to move on. (Stopping the disclosure at mention of the health condition may release a flood of questions.) You can get into the details of how it affects you later on.
When you do discuss your condition, emphasize that you need to take care of yourself. If the person doesn’t respect that, well, you’ve just learned a lot about the person.
An alternative approach is described by Jules E. Dowler Shepard, in her book: The First Year: Celiac Disease and Eating Gluten Free:
One way to avoid bringing up the subject on the first or first few dates is to choose a restaurant where you already know the menu and can order comfortably without having to discuss your needs. If more expensive restaurants are out of your range, consider lower-priced Asian or Latin restaurants. If you can’t control the location, do your homework before going.
If you don’t have a choice, or advance notice, carry a restaurant card and discreetly give it to the waiter when you step away to use the restroom before ordering. You can also stop at the kitchen door and wait for a person of authority so you can have a discussion away from the table.
If these ideas don’t work, pick a safe option on the menu, and order it without sauces and toppings. Salads with oil and vinegar – and no croutons – are safe. So are fresh vegetables. There is likely a safe desert such as fresh fruit.
If you still don’t feel comfortable, you can claim to have already eaten or say you are on a diet.
The way your date handles the situation of your food needs is telling about the possibility of a future relationship. The earlier you learn his or her reaction, the better. Jules even says: “Congratulations, you have an instant barometer for judging how the person across the table feels about you.”
Practical Dating Issues
When talking about your health condition, it helps if the surrounding situation is a quiet one where there are no distractions.
Share as much or as little information as you feel comfortable sharing about your condition and what it means in real terms. The better you know a person, the more questions may come up and the more you may want to share.
At the least, consider letting the other person know about subjects where you will interact together. For instance, let the person know:
You are very strict about eating gluten-free in order to avoid getting glutened from everyday activities such as eating food that has touched gluten or kissing someone who has recently eaten gluten.
You go to specific restaurants and that you ask questions to assure what you are considering ordering is safe for you to eat. Questions can include such subjects as pots and pans. It helps to be prepared with restaurant suggestions in case you are asked for them. If the person has a problem supporting your need, move on. It’s the other person’s loss.
Dating Someone With The Same Health Condition
Keep in mind when dating a person with a similar health condition that not everyone has the same amount of knowledge you do – or have the same thoughts about safety precautions.
Kissing
You can be glutened by kissing someone who has been eating, drinking, applying or chewing something that contains gluten. If your date just drank a beer and goes to kiss you, you could get sick.
How to put this knowledge into practice is up to you – and may vary with the situation. Some common tips for kissing include asking your date to:
Brush teeth and floss before kissing
Not eat or drink anything containing gluten for several hours before kissing
Rinse with a gluten-free liquid
There are not a lot of studies about cross contamination in general, and none that we know of about kissing in particular. Our advice: consider risk and reward. When in doubt, do without.
Sex
For what it’s worth, the Celiac Disease Center of Chicago confirms that there is no gluten in semen.
TIPS
If it doesn’t work out with one person, there are a lot of people out there – people you’d like to meet.
Keep in mind that one of the advantages of needing to eat gluten-free is that, as a general matter, you get to pick the restaurant.
While it is a given that you want to be with a person who respects you and doesn’t challenge your choices, decide whether the only person you will consider dating is someone who will adopt a gluten-free diet at home (even though a shared kitchen can be safe if the safety guidelines are followed.) Do you perhaps distinguish between “someone to be dating” and “a potential life partner”?
Educate serious dates about your health condition by suggesting a read of our “Just Diagnosed” guides, table of contents.
Be patient. Think about how long it took you to absorb the realities of living gluten-free.
Say “thank you” when a person does something helpful about your health condition.
Don’t apologize for things you need. It’s a medical condition.
Preferably look for somebody who accepts you for who you are.
Dating Sites
In addition to traditional dating sites, there is at least one dating site for people with celiac disease. For instance, gluten free singles on Facebook.
If you learn about additional sites which are particularly friendly to people who have to eat gluten-free, please let us know at info@CharliesTableOasis.org